Sunday, August 26, 2007
Sunday
Late breakfast. A movie in the afternoon. Loads of pending work. A few pages of a novel.A pair of levis outgrown. 26th of August, 2007. Sunday. A plan. 4:35 P.M. Two very insignificant people enter an apartment. they say "hi" to an equally irrelevant being. giggles. silence. a sentence. tears. realisation. promises. anticipation. frozen emotions. desperate effort to hold back time. failure. auf weidersehen. A blog.
Wednesday, April 25, 2007
i wish i could still believe...
I wish I could still believe I can become sunshine…I wish I could still believe I would finish counting the stars- someday…I wish I could still gaze at the moon and never notice the dark spots.. I wish I could still bring a puppy home from the streets…I wish I could still believe my mom would never have grey hair…I wish I could still believe daddy will play cricket with me every weekend…I wish I could still believe I’ll study everything in the syllabus…I wish I could still believe I could run away from home and stay at the church forever (weird eh!!…me and 2 other friend actually decided we will.. In the 7th grade coz of a disappointing score in the maths paper) …I wish I could still believe faces do not wear masks….I wish I could still believe kindness spreads smiles…I wish I could still believe I know who I am…I wish I could still believe in promises…I wish I could still believe friendship never goes wrong…I wish I could still believe Mickey mouse is for real…I wish I could still believe it’s a perfect world…I wish I could still believe physics is my favorite subject I wish I could still believe I’ll never be afraid of anything…I wish I could still believe chocolates do not add calories (I always tried convincing myself)…I wish I could still believe everything is forever…I wish I could still believe I can run away to a better life…I wish I could still believe happiness exists…I wish I could still… believe ..
Sunday, March 11, 2007
Burning....
The burning candle lit up the void between Canzonetta and her soul. The mellow yellow light magnified the untrodden darkness. Alacrity of the flames to embrace life made escape impossible for her. The invincible solitude impatiently awaited destruction.
Canzonetta cringed for one last time. Since eternity she has been running – running away from the storm. Today she is prepared to find the tempest before it swallows all that is left inside. The fear was not of losing herself, it was the fear of knowing herself in totality, of shedding the last layers of shield that was desperately clinging on. She was scared of facing Canzonetta in her crude bare self ,Canzonetta naked without the drapes of shame , lie, fear, pain, conscience, right ,wrong, just, unjust, pity, anger, desperation…
Her soul knew the answers but it remained subdued. Canzonetta denied its existence. But now the time has arrived when she dissolved into her soul and they emerged into a world that is new. A world that is beautiful.
A bird flew past her. It had one wing. Canzonetta closed her eyes. Was there freedom in incompleteness?
Canzonetta cringed for one last time. Since eternity she has been running – running away from the storm. Today she is prepared to find the tempest before it swallows all that is left inside. The fear was not of losing herself, it was the fear of knowing herself in totality, of shedding the last layers of shield that was desperately clinging on. She was scared of facing Canzonetta in her crude bare self ,Canzonetta naked without the drapes of shame , lie, fear, pain, conscience, right ,wrong, just, unjust, pity, anger, desperation…
Her soul knew the answers but it remained subdued. Canzonetta denied its existence. But now the time has arrived when she dissolved into her soul and they emerged into a world that is new. A world that is beautiful.
A bird flew past her. It had one wing. Canzonetta closed her eyes. Was there freedom in incompleteness?
Sunday, March 4, 2007
the sun had already set....
Found a dead butterfly on my way home. Picked it up, gently wrapped it up with tenderness, love and a few drops hope.
It didn’t fly away.
It didn’t stay.
The blue in its wings decayed and fatigued finally turned grey.
I wanted to paint it green.
It started snowing. The trees were white. The empty road was white. The sky was white.
Was I white too? Don’t know for sure. I couldn’t see me.
The spell was broken.
I let it slip away into the depths of the ocean.
The sun had already set.
It didn’t fly away.
It didn’t stay.
The blue in its wings decayed and fatigued finally turned grey.
I wanted to paint it green.
It started snowing. The trees were white. The empty road was white. The sky was white.
Was I white too? Don’t know for sure. I couldn’t see me.
The spell was broken.
I let it slip away into the depths of the ocean.
The sun had already set.
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
My angel
Canzonetta is back after a long time. Canzonetta had a hangover. Hangover of life.
“Hey soumi let me talk for myself”…uhhh okay there u go...
Ya so here I am. Feels good to be back... J
Back from where? Being hollow, clueless, cold, a struggle to clear the fuzziness all around.
Back to where? Being me.
Did I want to come back? Desperately, yes.
What made me come back? An angel.
How? One day when the world was colourless, not even a hint of grey to show me gloom. All senses numb. An angel came to me. She smiled. Gave me a mirror and asked me to look into it. Initially I couldn’t see anything. Crumbled back into my empty shell. Negating existence. She didn’t give up .gently made me shed away all inhibitions and made me look into the mirror. This time I saw sparks of orange. But only for a moment. One moment. I turned to her bewildered. She smiled. Serene, gentle, pure.
This time I looked into the mirror again without being guided, without being told. On my own. I screamed with joy. Tiny blots began appearing and in no time there was a riot of colors. I wanted to thank my angel but I couldn’t see her anywhere around me. I searched for her everywhere. She was gone. Trembling, I looked into the mirror again. And there she was. It was the same face, the same divinity but where was the smile? Where was the glow? There were drops of silver streaming down her cheek. Her wings were disheveled.
Her hair ruffled her shining dress tattered and shabby. The colors started disappearing from my angel’s world.
I screamed. I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to save her.
I called out her name. Nothing.
I called again. This time she saw me but didn’t respond.
But she knows am waiting for her. The mirror is the panacea of all sorrow. She needs to look into it.
Am still calling.
Can you hear me angel?
“Hey soumi let me talk for myself”…uhhh okay there u go...
Ya so here I am. Feels good to be back... J
Back from where? Being hollow, clueless, cold, a struggle to clear the fuzziness all around.
Back to where? Being me.
Did I want to come back? Desperately, yes.
What made me come back? An angel.
How? One day when the world was colourless, not even a hint of grey to show me gloom. All senses numb. An angel came to me. She smiled. Gave me a mirror and asked me to look into it. Initially I couldn’t see anything. Crumbled back into my empty shell. Negating existence. She didn’t give up .gently made me shed away all inhibitions and made me look into the mirror. This time I saw sparks of orange. But only for a moment. One moment. I turned to her bewildered. She smiled. Serene, gentle, pure.
This time I looked into the mirror again without being guided, without being told. On my own. I screamed with joy. Tiny blots began appearing and in no time there was a riot of colors. I wanted to thank my angel but I couldn’t see her anywhere around me. I searched for her everywhere. She was gone. Trembling, I looked into the mirror again. And there she was. It was the same face, the same divinity but where was the smile? Where was the glow? There were drops of silver streaming down her cheek. Her wings were disheveled.
Her hair ruffled her shining dress tattered and shabby. The colors started disappearing from my angel’s world.
I screamed. I wanted to reach out to her. I wanted to save her.
I called out her name. Nothing.
I called again. This time she saw me but didn’t respond.
But she knows am waiting for her. The mirror is the panacea of all sorrow. She needs to look into it.
Am still calling.
Can you hear me angel?
Monday, January 8, 2007
Struck!!!
“There she goes, there she goes again
Racing through my brain
And I just can’t contain
This feeling that remains”………
Me Canzonetta promise, vouch, declare, swear, not enough???....okay take an oath….no am not in love and more so not with a girl!
Fine then why am I singing this song? That’s very simple – am jobless, bored, lack the intellectual supremacy to profess anything worthwhile and because I’m ‘struck’.
‘Struck’- not by an arrow, lightning, a bully, hunger and definitely not cupid. Suspense!!!! Am struck by a strike. Simple eh??
Okay wait a minute there might be people outside my small friend circle in my sonar bangle reading my mindless babble (yes soooooooooooooooooomeday they will…..wishful thinking I know!!!)But if ever they do they will perhaps not find it all that simple. Then I must take up the endeavor to introduce all and sundry to this glorious festivity of Bengal. For starters a strike or closer home a ‘bandh’ is supposedly a ‘peaceful’ instrument of protest against uh…..well just about nethng.A democratic right!!
Still confused????Okay I’ll elaborate (I get to talk more….am lovin it!!)
On a typical bandh day the city of joy takes a joyous holiday. empty streets, closed shops, disrupted assemblylines, schools and colleges vacant (we don’t need no education!!), offices unpenetrable.Local tendulkars and ronaldos occupy the lanes and saranis.Bangali babus offer their opinions on the necessity/(un)necessity of a bandh over several rounds of ‘gorom cha’.Political parties(supporters and non supporters with equal zeal) take out rallies. Several obscure faces sigh. They will not get lunch perhaps not even dinner. But then who cares???”We do, we do”-all colors (red, green, blue, yellow, orange…..)Shout out in unison.Afterall everything that they do is for the betterment of the people of Bengal. But upon my word I have till date not managed to get a glimpse of ‘those people.’ An old lady couldn’t make it to the hospital she made it to heaven instead. My neighbor who had her eyes on the ‘red and white bravery award ‘and likewise attempted to reach her workplace was awarded with 9 stitches on her forehead. But its still ‘peaceful’ and such inconveniences should be considered for the greater cause. Of course we do. Options neone???
That’s nouf I guess. For more updates it’s necessary to spend one bandh day in kolkata (one might even decide to stay back forever-such surprise holidays r never possible newhere else u see)
Very soon from now we will again be blessed with a purposeful holiday. I’ll again be struck! And I’ll again sing “there she goes, there she goes again……”
Racing through my brain
And I just can’t contain
This feeling that remains”………
Me Canzonetta promise, vouch, declare, swear, not enough???....okay take an oath….no am not in love and more so not with a girl!
Fine then why am I singing this song? That’s very simple – am jobless, bored, lack the intellectual supremacy to profess anything worthwhile and because I’m ‘struck’.
‘Struck’- not by an arrow, lightning, a bully, hunger and definitely not cupid. Suspense!!!! Am struck by a strike. Simple eh??
Okay wait a minute there might be people outside my small friend circle in my sonar bangle reading my mindless babble (yes soooooooooooooooooomeday they will…..wishful thinking I know!!!)But if ever they do they will perhaps not find it all that simple. Then I must take up the endeavor to introduce all and sundry to this glorious festivity of Bengal. For starters a strike or closer home a ‘bandh’ is supposedly a ‘peaceful’ instrument of protest against uh…..well just about nethng.A democratic right!!
Still confused????Okay I’ll elaborate (I get to talk more….am lovin it!!)
On a typical bandh day the city of joy takes a joyous holiday. empty streets, closed shops, disrupted assemblylines, schools and colleges vacant (we don’t need no education!!), offices unpenetrable.Local tendulkars and ronaldos occupy the lanes and saranis.Bangali babus offer their opinions on the necessity/(un)necessity of a bandh over several rounds of ‘gorom cha’.Political parties(supporters and non supporters with equal zeal) take out rallies. Several obscure faces sigh. They will not get lunch perhaps not even dinner. But then who cares???”We do, we do”-all colors (red, green, blue, yellow, orange…..)Shout out in unison.Afterall everything that they do is for the betterment of the people of Bengal. But upon my word I have till date not managed to get a glimpse of ‘those people.’ An old lady couldn’t make it to the hospital she made it to heaven instead. My neighbor who had her eyes on the ‘red and white bravery award ‘and likewise attempted to reach her workplace was awarded with 9 stitches on her forehead. But its still ‘peaceful’ and such inconveniences should be considered for the greater cause. Of course we do. Options neone???
That’s nouf I guess. For more updates it’s necessary to spend one bandh day in kolkata (one might even decide to stay back forever-such surprise holidays r never possible newhere else u see)
Very soon from now we will again be blessed with a purposeful holiday. I’ll again be struck! And I’ll again sing “there she goes, there she goes again……”
Thursday, January 4, 2007
canzonetta's alive
Meet canzonetta.Not much reason why you should.But sometimes we all do things maybe to necessarily defy reason.count this as one such random venture.So yes gettin back to my primal intention(i deviate a lot you see!)Canzonetta is.....a thought...a lie...a shield...a smile..a lingering solitude.Canzonetta is green and a girl.difficult! yet she breaths..
I don't know where she lives...don't know where she is from...where is she headed???Never asked her.it seldome bothers me coz whenever i wish to talk to her she has a strange way of appearing out of nowhere..
How long do i know her??? ummmmm..my memory fails me here...A long time...or is it that its jus this moment??
Is Canzonetta my friend? perhaps not.Yes she has given me a vision,she has given me light,she has given me the ardour to live,she has comforted me.saved me........Do i hear someone whispering "then why do you refuse to call her your friend you ungrateful fool?"oh yes she has given me all that..but she has given me questions and more questions..and know what?Each time i strive i fail to get answers.But that cold cruel girl deserts me jus there...i beg ..i plead..But still no answers..She loves to see me fumble..broken..ohh how many more times!!!
I know she seeks vengeance coz she is a nobody withiut me.she exista coz i do.she would have remained a loser..trapped under layers of emptyness...screaming..i gave her the voice..i gave her life..she needs me!
And i want her to need me..bcoz that need wud eventually lead me to those answers i have been searching all my life.perhaps her existence is in it's entireity a journey into 'myself'.So beginning from this moment Canzonetta gets to meet the world.I give her the world...
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